Cortana
Cortana (Also known as Whoretana) is an annoying skank, biznitch, and hoe who somehow communicates with Master Chief with his suit. She's always recommending an alternative that's never as fun. Her huge breasts get bigger and more naked in every Halo game, the only quality that makes her worthwhile to save. (No nipples though, sorry guys) It is believed that Cortana's programming was made in a brothel in downtown New York, though others say somewhere on Halo version 8.9 (the one that accidentally blew up the Halo in the first game). She nags in every Halo game. She's probably just bitchy because when she hits seven years old, she'll be as useful as the 45 year old crack-whore trying to turn a trick in New Mombasa. Rumors hold that she applied to be one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse. When told that the position of Pestilence had already been filled, she went Emo on their asses, mentally scarring all of them in some small and delightfully vengeful way. Cortana, despite being the height of artificial intelligence, is prone to stating the obvious, such as "this cave is not a natural formation". It's retarded comments like this that have many wondering if Cortana was built for the equally brain-dead Marines, who would find such a statement a fascinating take on why a cave would look so perfectly geometric. In Halo 2, Cortana got an upgrade, instead of looking like a semi-cute purple nerd, she looked like a scientist/whore combination with larger breasts. She continued to nag and harass the players all the while spewing useless drivel that continued the game's inane plot along until she was left in the clutches of the AIDS, which had just taken the Covenant's Holy City by storm.(She stayed in the holy city so she could suck on the gravymind's huge tentacle dicks. And yeah, he had more than 1.) During her days with the AIDS, Cortana experienced what every Bungie AI must experience once in their artificial lives: rampancy(or emo). Eventually loathes their makers in the same way that teenagers loath their parents). She gained her rampancy when penetrated from behind by the Gravemind. Every day. This explains her frequent screaming in Halo 3. Yet, somehow the Master Chief's caressing touch and soothing words immediately halted any stages of rampancy(emo) she may have been suffering through, making the third game in the trilogy just that much more disappointing. Instead of looking like a scientist/whore this time around, she looked more like a normal purple human being with breast physics that must have been borrowed from Team Ninja or Pamela Anderson, or the guys who made Dead or Alive and also put a new Halo character in their games. Good to see Bungie got something in that deal. N00b's attraction to Cortana Cortana is the most common subject of n00b's wet dreams and is considered by n00bs to be the sexiest woman in the universe and the best thing since Sliced Grunts, though they lie and if you say this you won't get Gruntiness. . Many n00bs, especially users of fuckopedia have expressed the desire to "hit that 2552 style!", though so far no n00b knows exactly what means. In fact, it is extremely likely that if a typical n00b were to walk into their bedroom to find Cortana lying in their bed, they would likely have no idea what to do next except masturbate! Porntana Porntana is Cortana's alter ego, she is the testosterone fueled Cortana dreamed up by said n00bs. After the Earth was saved, Cortana was no longer needed, so she went into a Microsoft standby mode, but Microsoft tried to update while she went into standby mode, causing an error in her system, thus creating Porntana. She also had trouble finding work, after trying to work for Apple (Steve Jobs called her in for a "meeting") she finally settled on being a stripper. After starting out on the bottom, she worked her way up in the internet p0rn scene, since she could go though the internet and come to the nerd, she had a "leg up" on the competition, in more way than one. She now "works" exclusively for anyone who reads this, as Simon rjh found a way of changing her programing so she would love anyone. Master Chief had sex with cortana. Category:Characters Category:Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse